Thursday, June 18, 2015

12 Weeks

I wrote this a few days ago: 

Isn't this just the cutest??? Now that's a BABY!! I'm so in love!!

This picture means a lot to me and not just because it's a picture of my little baby. 
It's kind a long story :)
Over a year ago, I had the most real, intense dream that my next baby would be born anencephalic (without a brain/skull- a neural tube defect that is incompatible with life outside the womb). I thought about it nonstop until I finally came to peace with the situation if that's what Heavenly Father thought was best. I even went to the temple about it- it was that real to me. After about two weeks of pondering and praying about it, I began to look at it in a new light at what an honor it would be to be a mother to a celestial child that just needed a body. Ever since then I've always had this dream in the back of my mind, wondering if it'd really come true. I did research on anencephalic babies and knew what to expect and diagnosing info. I freaked out when I realized I went into the hot tube twice at the gym before I knew I was pregnant (this doubles the risk but the chances are still so slim).  But throughout it all, I could honestly say I was at peace with it all and felt the dream was a tender mercy, letting me prepare myself ahead of time. I even think this preoccupation with the baby's health influenced me enough to where I honestly didn't care about the gender and don't feel any anxiousness to find out what it is. I simply was dying to know if there was a skull and brain.

I had read you could diagnose these types of babies from 11-14 weeks so when I went into my appointment on Tuesday (12 weeks, 1 day) I was SO anxious all day long. It was finally all coming to a head and I would soon know the fate of my baby. I wasn't scared; just needed to know. Nervous but still at peace. I seriously walked in there fully expecting to see something wrong with this little thing but I was prepared. I saw Dr. Bean today (nicest doctor in the whole entire planet) so I knew I could ask him for a quick peek. It ended up that he was going to do one anyways so it worked out perfectly (there was a mix up last time and I saw the midwives on accident- another tender mercy since it enabled me to get an ultrasound today no matter what). 

My eyes teared up as I saw the perfect little head and spine!! I told Dr. Bean about my crazy dream so he assured me this baby had a perfectly formed head and brain. I was so relieved and grateful and excited. I even saw the little spine. This little thing was moving EVERYWHERE- it was incredibly touching to me and I saw this baby in a different light than with any of my others. I was humbled and in awe at the work of God in His creations. I feel like with all my other pregnancies it was more of a childish excitement to know the gender and pick crib bedding and decide on names- today I felt a more mature, deepened love that came from gratitude to my Heavenly Father for entrusting me with another child of His. It's crazy right now to have another one with TJ in school and my oldest being 5 years old but I KNOW this is what I'm supposed to be doing and I followed a prompting. 

I still feel in the very beginning stages of pregnancy yet this was a fully formed person who kept moving completely all the way around in a full circle! It kept kicking both arms and legs, enough to make the doppler make a weird noise. It was incredible to me, as if it were my first baby or something, and I laid there watching it with a deep sense of reverence. I don't think I've ever had a clearer ultrasound picture of the entire body like this and again, it's a tender mercy to me. Another tender mercy that it. I just sit and stare at it and my heart just melts and it just means so much to me that it's a healthy little baby that should be coming home for Christmas with us. From the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test, I wasn't sure if that was going to happen.

Something could still come up or problems arise but for now, my baby is healthy and perfect. And even if there is a problem in the future, I still feel prepared and at peace with whatever happens. Nothing is by chance. I feel so blessed by Heavenly Father and am grateful for this experience (as silly as it may sound but it's real to me) and the process I've had to truly be at peace with Heavenly Father's will when it comes to my children. I cannot even fathom that He loves each of these precious little children of mine 10 million times more than I love them. How is that even possible?? If He loves them that much then there's no doubt that everything will work out for the best and they all will be safe and loved and protected, no matter what trials come our way during this earth life.

The baby was measuring big at 12 weeks, 6 days. TJ and I think it looks like a lock of hair is dangling off- so cute! The morning sickness is still there (started way early, right on week 5) but has gotten better. Instead of all day sickness it's turned into evening/night sickness. I'm even more grateful I'm not working anymore and can go to bed earlier on the nights I'm really sick. Hopefully it'll be over soon but for now,  I'll take it if it means a healthy, growing baby!
We love you, you sweet little baby girl or handsome little boy! 

Tender Mercies:

- very personal, individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindness, consolation, support & spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.
- one way the Savior comes to us (besides the gift of the Holy Ghost).
-Does not occur randomly or coincidence.
-Faithfulness, obedience, humility invite more.
-The timing of these gifts helps us recognize, discern, treasure, acknowledge them.
-The simpleness, sweetness, constancy of them will do much to fortify/protect us. 

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