Thursday, January 31, 2013

Lessons Learned


 Both boys 2 days old- May 2010 and July 2011


I wish every time life sent a little bump in the road, I'd purposely look for the lesson to be learned or the opportunity for growth in the experience. I don't always do that but I know that's the real purpose for it. 

Everyone once in a while that lesson to be learned hits me hard and I need to write down the experience to help to remember and resolve to do and be better in different ways. This happened to me recently. A little over 2 weeks ago, on Jan 15th, I had a miscarriage. I was just 7 weeks along so it was still pretty early and we hadn't told anyone. I got pregnant very quickly after getting my IUD out and I remember thinking how easy that was! Ha. It happened at work and I was actually able to keep working and haven't missed a day of work since so that's how "easy" the actual miscarriage itself was. I know lot of women who have severe cramping and contractions and have to be on pain meds- I see it in the ER daily. Afterwards there were a few small complications and I had to go in for an ultrasound a few days later to see if they could find a heartbeat or not so that kinda played with the emotions up and down- I hate those types of ultrasounds. I actually had one of those with Levi at 12 weeks since the dr. couldn't find his heartbeat with the doppler and told me he was a miscarriage waiting to happen. So I had a tiny bit of hope that the same thing wouldn't happen but not this time. This little one would've been due on Sept. 6th, just 2 months after Levi's 2nd birthday which I thought was perfect. But I have to trust in the Lord's timing and I'm grateful it happened when it did and not later on in the pregnancy. I also appreciated talking about it with others who had been through it, especially two friends at work who very recently each had one. Their genuine care and support helped tons as well as other friends who would text just to see how I was doing. I also had the kindest, most genuine doctor I've ever had. His name is Dr. Bean, haha, and he actually teared up during the ultrasound appt I had and then said, "What am I doing, I'm the doctor! I'm not supposed to be the one crying!" :) Anyways....

My overall point of this is that I learned three powerful lessons that are important to me to remember: 

1.) The last few months of last year I kept dreaming and almost obsessing on what it'd be like to have a little girl. I have a few friends that recently have had girls and a few other friends who are having so much fun with their little girls after having a few boys and I wanted that so bad! I want to experience bows and earrings and learn to do hair and cute shoes and matching dresses with more bows and pink everywhere! But now I realize, it honestly doesn't matter anymore. Instead of praying for a little girl, I now pray eventually for a healthy baby that I can carry to full term and love to pieces no matter what the gender. :)

2.) I have felt such overwhelming gratitude and appreciation for the two little boys that I have NOW. I would think a miscarriage, for me, would be 10x harder if I didn't have any kids at all. It's easy to think ahead about how much fun it'll be when they are older or talking more or both potty trained or in sports, etc. but it's important to enjoy them now and in the moment, especially when I'm tired and lack of sleep. This has made me strive for more patience and to find joy in the little things they do. 

3.) I am grateful that I've had the experience of being pregnant and bringing a child into the world. It really is an incredible experience and I've been so blessed to have had such easy, uncomplicated pregnancies so far. I am the first to admit that I am guilty of complaining and feeling sorry for myself, especially in the beginning and towards the end of being pregnant and feeling miserable. I've recently heard people on facebook or just in conversation talk about how tired they are or how much they hurt or can't wait to not be preg anymore and I want to be like, "AT LEAST YOU ARE PREGNANT!!!" What must it feel like to struggle with infertility or have difficulty getting pregnant???!! I have a few friends and family members that are experiencing that and my heart breaks for them. I have absolutely no experience with that and am not saying I now know what it feels like. I am just saying that I am committing myself to be more sensitive and do less complaining about being pregnant whenever I am and to appreciate the miracle of life and kept an eternal perspective. I also need to appreciate our bodies and thing things they go through and how resilient they are, both my body and these tiny babies that go through so much to be born. 

There. I wrote these things down so I now can be held accountable. 
Please remind me of all this someday when I am 38 weeks pregnant, 30+ lbs overweight, not sleeping while working nights in a crazy ER and have two busy little boys who are running around destroying the house. However- TJ- this does not include you. :)


1 comment:

SHILLIG4FAMILY said...

totally thinking about you dear!